Seriously, how old am I?

I just finished reading Jillian Michael’s latest book “Master Your Metabolism” and in it, she talks about a lot about hormones and their effect not only on the body, but also on weight loss and their link to many of health problems people have. It was a quick read and seemed to make a lot of sense to me.

When I read the chapter on estrogen and saw the list of issues a person can experience if they have too much or too little estrogen, I saw myself all over the list. I have been on The Pill for the past 16 years – one year off for the conception and birth of my daughter, but other than that, I pop that little orange pill every morning like a good girl.

At the tender age of 33, I had to go in for a mammogram and ultrasound when I found a lump in my breast. Both tests confirmed there was nothing there other than the normal little “cyst-lettes” that most women have, so we deemed it was hormonal since cancerous tumors aren’t something that come and go (which is what my lump was doing). Add to this a decreasing libido and a host of other complaints, and I have decided it is time to toss the pill pack in the trash and go about birth control the old-fashioned way: condoms.

So last night, on my way home from my work outing, I stopped at Target to pick up a few things. I wandered by the pharmacy department and glancing down the aisles, I saw the mammoth display of condoms.

And here is where I revert back to a blushing high school girl.

I had no idea that there were so many options when it came to condoms! I thought I’d just grab a box and throw it in my cart (hidden of course, under my other purchases). No such luck.

Being the immature 34-year-old I am, I decided to hide my interest in contraception by picking up a blood pressure monitor from the shelf next to the condom display. As I pretended to read the monitor box, I carefully studied the multitude of boxes available. I’ve never bought a box of condoms. And now, given the feelings I was having, I can only imagine the anxiety a high school boy must have when contemplating protection.

It was at this time that someone else decided to invade my aisle. Hello? Can’t you tell I’m reading about blood pressure monitors here and might need some privacy? I continued to try to read the condom boxes but was at a loss as to which box to pick. Then I saw the words “contains spermicide” and ding, ding, ding, we had a winner. I figured I’d take all the help I could get since I’m not quite ready to welcome child number two any time soon.

I quickly grabbed the box, shoved it under the princess nightgown I was buying for my daughter and scurried out of the aisle, my face three shades of red.

Seriously, what is it about buying condoms that brings out that embarrassment? I have a kid for Christ’s sake, so obviously I’ve had sex before! And what the heck is the difference between all those boxes? The majority were all Trojans, so I decided to check out their web site to educate myself before I have to make the trip back for more. 48 different options. Seriously, 48! And that is just ONE brand. Ecstasy, Her Pleasure, Ultra-Thin, Magnum… apparently Clean Fresh Hubby and I will be doing a bit of research on this topic.

If anyone has any recommendations, comment or shoot me an email. I’ll gladly take them! Especially if it cuts my time in the blood pressure monitor aisle in half! (And, if you need any recommendations on monitors, I might be able to make one!)